Friday, July 1, 2011
What tha Fuck
Well I fucked up!!! First time since the first of April or since I got out of rehab. But I'm ok, the relapse only lasted one night. Maybe only wasn't the right word to describe that night. I should have said I was sucked into hell again. I've been trying to break down the relapse to find out where I went wrong and my addict brain keeps kicking in and telling me it was spontaneous. But it wasn't I planned that shit out. No, not consciously but in the back of my mind. I let the Gremlin in me tell me "just on more time nobody will never no." I never stopped to think how bad it was going to make me fell. I didn't think ahead and see the disappointment in my wife's eyes. And I didn't think about the look my kids had on their faces when I walked in the door at 11pm when they had gotten use to me being at home every night. I had started relapsing soon as I got out of rehab and I just didn't catch the signs. I had gotten to cocky for one. I thought I had every angle covered but it's evident I didn't. I got that super addict mentality and started thinking for some dumb ass reason that, I know I'm an addict, but I started thinking my addiction was special and the normal rules of recovery didn't apply to me. When I know that the first and cardinal rule of recovery is abstinence. Another reason I relapsed was because I had to much free time. I'm in-between job right now and all I was doing every day was watching TV and sleeping. I think it's very important that we do a relapse autopsy if we relapse because if we don't know what went wrong we can't fix it and keep it from happening in the future. You know a big goal of mine coming out of rehab was to become a member of my family again since I had been isolated from them for so long in active addiction. But from my relapse autopsy I realized that I haven't made an attempt to insert myself back into my family. Being at home watching TV and sleeping in the same house as my family doesn't make me a family member. I realized that I need to start being more involved in my families lives.