Wednesday, July 13, 2011
You know behind every good man is a great woman. My wife, even after all the bullshit I've put her through because of my addiction still sees ME instead of THE ADDICT when she looks at me. She stands with me instead of behind me. She still sees the man I used to be before the drugs and believes in me and my goals. I've been out of work since I got out of rehab. I admit for the first couple of weeks I took it easy and for a couple of weeks after that I looked for jobs around the clock. But after countless dead ends I got depressed and kind of laid off the job search for a while. Keep in mind I've worked the same job since I was about 11 years old. It is a family business that's more than just a little dysfunctional with a Dictator as a father and boss witch I give about 40% credit for my addiction. That's why a couple of months before rehab I went and got certified in a Specific Trade were I could move on with my life and fell like I was actually in control of me and my family. But for two months since I got out of rehab the job search hasn't been to promising until yesterday. I mean it was getting to the point that I was going to have to work for my father again. But while I was waiting for a job interview with a temp agency I took a shot in the dark and stopped by a business and got a interview the following day doing what I'm certified to do. But I found out that I need another certification and I'm going to get hired by this company. My wife has supported me left and right and if it wasn't for her I would have to work for my father to get the money for this extra certification. Keep in mind my wife doesn't have a lot of money and the fact that she's making a investment in me after all the money I've taken from her really amazes me and makes me fell like I'm actually worth having around. But she strongly believes that my family business is the root of all evil just like me. I guess what I'm getting at is that when you have somebody that believes in you the way my wife believes in me it makes me believe more in myself. And if most of you addicts are like me, we start thinking all we can do is fuck up after this disease chews us up and spits us out.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Well I fucked up!!! First time since the first of April or since I got out of rehab. But I'm ok, the relapse only lasted one night. Maybe only wasn't the right word to describe that night. I should have said I was sucked into hell again. I've been trying to break down the relapse to find out where I went wrong and my addict brain keeps kicking in and telling me it was spontaneous. But it wasn't I planned that shit out. No, not consciously but in the back of my mind. I let the Gremlin in me tell me "just on more time nobody will never no." I never stopped to think how bad it was going to make me fell. I didn't think ahead and see the disappointment in my wife's eyes. And I didn't think about the look my kids had on their faces when I walked in the door at 11pm when they had gotten use to me being at home every night. I had started relapsing soon as I got out of rehab and I just didn't catch the signs. I had gotten to cocky for one. I thought I had every angle covered but it's evident I didn't. I got that super addict mentality and started thinking for some dumb ass reason that, I know I'm an addict, but I started thinking my addiction was special and the normal rules of recovery didn't apply to me. When I know that the first and cardinal rule of recovery is abstinence. Another reason I relapsed was because I had to much free time. I'm in-between job right now and all I was doing every day was watching TV and sleeping. I think it's very important that we do a relapse autopsy if we relapse because if we don't know what went wrong we can't fix it and keep it from happening in the future. You know a big goal of mine coming out of rehab was to become a member of my family again since I had been isolated from them for so long in active addiction. But from my relapse autopsy I realized that I haven't made an attempt to insert myself back into my family. Being at home watching TV and sleeping in the same house as my family doesn't make me a family member. I realized that I need to start being more involved in my families lives.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I'm a recovering addict. My drugs of choice were Percocets, Cocaine, Crack, and Alchohol. The reason I titled this post "Re-Born" is because once all the drugs were out of my system, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. I started paying attention to my surroundings again. When I was atively using I had tunnel vision. All I saw or heard was my dope dealers. Everybody and everything else was drowned out. It was like nothing else existed. I started feeling all this guilt and humiliation that I have not felt before. I hate to admite it but I've stolen from my wife and kids. I've lied to everybody I had any kind of contact with before I got sober. I guess I'm writing this because I'm scared to face my family and friends. But I've got to make amends with them before I can move forward and hope and pray to God that they forgive me. Normal people have never felt the need an addict has to use. We will go to any length to get a hit, bump, pill, or beer. If any normal person would like to fell that determination try holding your breath until you pass out.... yea now thats determination isn't it. This still don't make the things I've done right. I guess I'm simply asking any parents, kids, wives, or friends of an addict that is reading this please take into consideration how hard it is for us to ask for your forgiveness and the progress we've made in just getting clean and processing our feelings. We are ready to be the person you used to know before the drugs and since we are not using we do feel pain and humiliation. Hopefully you will find it in your hearts to forgive us and be supportive, because if there is one thing we as addicts need is support and love from our loved ones.
If you really want to get sober or clean you will not start a relationship in rehab or right after you get out of rehab. I mean whats safer one addict's brain trying to stay clean with its triggers or two addict's brains with double the triggers. Then you add in the stress of starting a new relationship. Some may argue that two addicts being together are two sets of eyes looking out for triggers but that's bullshit. It's wo sets of eyes looking for dope. These people sit in rehab getting angry because the staff of the rehab are doing all they can to keep them sepeerated. All day long their minds are either on the staff because they are mad at them for keeping the two addicts apart. Or they are trying to figure out how to sneak around to see each other. Or they are just thinking of each other. The problem here is that this doesn't leave much time to focus on their recovery. I'm an addict that used to married to an addict and beleive me when I tell you that this doesn't work. Because -1+-1=-2, on the days she wanted to use and I didn't I would end up using anyway because she would be using in front of me and vise versa. But my wife today is a non addict. This is negative 1 which is myself plus positive one which is my wife equals zero which is balance for me. (-1+1=0balance)And I firmly believe that having a supportive and loving wife is the reason I'm not dead today. Because now on the days I'm having strong cravings she helps remind me that I'm accountable for my actions and she helps remind me of before when my life was unmanageable and how happy I am now that I'm part of our family again.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I've been holding onto a lot of resentment towards my parents for a long time. Now that I'm sober I've started to question if its productive or if its hurting my sobriety. My parents are in their 70's so the chance of them changing their ways are out of the question. I've worked for and with my father for about 22 years on our farm. It's a third generation business and I would love nothing more than for my boys to carry on the family business. But because I can't deal with the stress and hostility between my father and myself I've decided to change careers. This scares the shit out of me because all I've ever done is farm. But I think its the best thing for my family. I've been trying to earn my fathers respect for 22 years and I haven't been able to earn it yet. He's a hard man to please but he does have some good qualities. Looking at his good qualities has helped me realize that nothing good can come from resentment except for more resentment. And that takes too much energy from my recovery, family, and other things I enjoy doing. I'm not going to be one of those people that look back on there life from their death bed and realize that all they have done in life is swim in an ocean of regret their whole life.
I just got to work and got the men doing what i need them to do for the day. I start having a thought that's way to familiar. I can hear him calling me. Telling me how he's going to help me get more done today. He tells me I'll have more energy. I'll be able to do what ever task are lined up with no pain or frustration.. Then he puts the finishing touches on it telling me how good I'm going to fell, how were gioing to have the best day we've ever had. And I'm on my way to pick-up Jerry (cocaine). But wait my wife calls and needs me to take the kids to school so she will not be late for work. But I can't take them because I've got a piece of equipment broke down (this is bullshit). I've just got to go and get "Jerry". Wow "Jerry" is finally with me it felt like it took hours to get him (but it was only minutes). Were having a good time. But wait, here comes my father to check on things. Let me hide Jerry. He just about caught us. So we go and get some beer from town and ride around all the farms making sure everybody is doing what they are suppose to be doing. Then my wife calls again and needs me to pick up the kids from school. I think it can't be 3:00 I haven't gotten any work done today. I've been drinking I can't pick up the kids. Now she's even madder at me since I haven't been able to take the kids or pick them up from school. So we wait for her to get back from picking up the kids to try and smooth everthing out. I didn't do much smoothing but I promissed her I would be home for Dinner. But now its 4:00 and I still haven't gotten anything done today. I want to kick Jerry out but I can't. He told me everything will be alright that we can work late. So we go and get more beer and jump on the tractor and start discing. We work until 10:00, Jerry is gone, and I go in the house. There is a note on the table were I didn't come in for dinner my wife is asleep and I feel like shit for letting her down all day long. I'm determined to make it up to her the next day. Until Jerry calls me the next morning and all my guilt is gone. And it's Ground Hog Day, over, and over again.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I sit in group day after day listening to these people that don't do anything but repeat and contradict theirselves. They say they don't believe in God but they say the Serenity Prayer and say "Amen" at the end. They share and say their confused and don't know what they believe they are going to do when they get out of rehab. But at the same time their going to use in moderation or stay sober through the summer and start back when they go back to college and just not use as much and or stay away from their drug of choice. All of this is BULLSHIT and none of its a feasible plan for recovery. This is like a diabetic saying they are not going to take their insulin but half as much as what the doctor prescribed and not change their diet. If a diabetic did this they would be right back at their doctor's office or in the hospital. Same goes for addicts. The only plan for an addict is abstinence. And if you can't get that thru your fucking head your going to be right back in rehab or dead. You can never stop working your recovery plan and everybody's recovery plan is not the same but everybody's does include abstinence. But for you Zombies out their keep thinking your special and there will be nothing but jails, institutions, and death for you.