As an addict myself these postings are my beliefs and experiences with my disease of addiction. Hopefully my postings will bring comfort to addicts like myself by letting them know they are not alone in the battle against addiction.
Friday, July 1, 2011
What tha Fuck
Well I fucked up!!! First time since the first of April or since I got out of rehab. But I'm ok, the relapse only lasted one night. Maybe only wasn't the right word to describe that night. I should have said I was sucked into hell again. I've been trying to break down the relapse to find out where I went wrong and my addict brain keeps kicking in and telling me it was spontaneous. But it wasn't I planned that shit out. No, not consciously but in the back of my mind. I let the Gremlin in me tell me "just on more time nobody will never no." I never stopped to think how bad it was going to make me fell. I didn't think ahead and see the disappointment in my wife's eyes. And I didn't think about the look my kids had on their faces when I walked in the door at 11pm when they had gotten use to me being at home every night. I had started relapsing soon as I got out of rehab and I just didn't catch the signs. I had gotten to cocky for one. I thought I had every angle covered but it's evident I didn't. I got that super addict mentality and started thinking for some dumb ass reason that, I know I'm an addict, but I started thinking my addiction was special and the normal rules of recovery didn't apply to me. When I know that the first and cardinal rule of recovery is abstinence. Another reason I relapsed was because I had to much free time. I'm in-between job right now and all I was doing every day was watching TV and sleeping. I think it's very important that we do a relapse autopsy if we relapse because if we don't know what went wrong we can't fix it and keep it from happening in the future. You know a big goal of mine coming out of rehab was to become a member of my family again since I had been isolated from them for so long in active addiction. But from my relapse autopsy I realized that I haven't made an attempt to insert myself back into my family. Being at home watching TV and sleeping in the same house as my family doesn't make me a family member. I realized that I need to start being more involved in my families lives.
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