Resentment

I've been holding onto a lot of resentment towards my parents for a long time. Now that I'm sober I've started to question if its productive or if its hurting my sobriety. My parents are in their 70's so the chance of them changing their ways are out of the question. I've worked for and with my father for about 22 years on our farm. It's a third generation business and I would love nothing more than for my boys to carry on the family business. But because I can't deal with the stress and hostility between my father and myself I've decided to change careers. This scares the shit out of me because all I've ever done is farm. But I think its the best thing for my family. I've been trying to earn my fathers respect for 22 years and I haven't been able to earn it yet. He's a hard man to please but he does have some good qualities. Looking at his good qualities has helped me realize that nothing good can come from resentment except for more resentment. And that takes too much energy from my recovery, family, and other things I enjoy doing. I'm not going to be one of those people that look back on there life from their death bed and realize that all they have done in life is swim in an ocean of regret their whole life.

The Nightmare

I just got to work and got the men doing what i need them to do for the day. I start having a thought that's way to familiar. I can hear him calling me. Telling me how he's going to help me get more done today. He tells me I'll have more energy. I'll be able to do what ever task are lined up with no pain or frustration.. Then he puts the finishing touches on it telling me how good I'm going to fell, how were gioing to have the best day we've ever had. And I'm on my way to pick-up Jerry (cocaine). But wait my wife calls and needs me to take the kids to school so she will not be late for work. But I can't take them because I've got a piece of equipment broke down (this is bullshit). I've just got to go and get "Jerry". Wow "Jerry" is finally with me it felt like it took hours to get him (but it was only minutes). Were having a good time. But wait, here comes my father to check on things. Let me hide Jerry. He just about caught us. So we go and get some beer from town and ride around all the farms making sure everybody is doing what they are suppose to be doing. Then my wife calls again and needs me to pick up the kids from school. I think it can't be 3:00 I haven't gotten any work done today. I've been drinking I can't pick up the kids. Now she's even madder at me since I haven't been able to take the kids or pick them up from school. So we wait for her to get back from picking up the kids to try and smooth everthing out. I didn't do much smoothing but I promissed her I would be home for Dinner. But now its 4:00 and I still haven't gotten anything done today. I want to kick Jerry out but I can't. He told me everything will be alright that we can work late. So we go and get more beer and jump on the tractor and start discing. We work until 10:00, Jerry is gone, and I go in the house. There is a note on the table were I didn't come in for dinner my wife is asleep and I feel like shit for letting her down all day long. I'm determined to make it up to her the next day. Until Jerry calls me the next morning and all my guilt is gone. And it's Ground Hog Day, over, and over again.