Re-Born

I'm a recovering addict. My drugs of choice were Percocets, Cocaine, Crack, and Alchohol. The reason I titled this post "Re-Born" is because once all the drugs were out of my system, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. I started paying attention to my surroundings again. When I was atively using I had tunnel vision. All I saw or heard was my dope dealers. Everybody and everything else was drowned out. It was like nothing else existed. I started feeling all this guilt and humiliation that I have not felt before. I hate to admite it but I've stolen from my wife and kids. I've lied to everybody I had any kind of contact with before I got sober. I guess I'm writing this because I'm scared to face my family and friends. But I've got to make amends with them before I can move forward and hope and pray to God that they forgive me. Normal people have never felt the need an addict has to use. We will go to any length to get a hit, bump, pill, or beer. If any normal person would like to fell that determination try holding your breath until you pass out.... yea now thats determination isn't it. This still don't make the things I've done right. I guess I'm simply asking any parents, kids, wives, or friends of an addict that is reading this please take into consideration how hard it is for us to ask for your forgiveness and the progress we've made in just getting clean and processing our feelings. We are ready to be the person you used to know before the drugs and since we are not using we do feel pain and humiliation. Hopefully you will find it in your hearts to forgive us and be supportive, because if there is one thing we as addicts need is support and love from our loved ones.

Addict + Addict = Relapse

If you really want to get sober or clean you will not start a relationship in rehab or right after you get out of rehab. I mean whats safer one addict's brain trying to stay clean with its triggers or two addict's brains with double the triggers. Then you add in the stress of starting a new relationship. Some may argue that two addicts being together are two sets of eyes looking out for triggers but that's bullshit. It's wo sets of eyes looking for dope. These people sit in rehab getting angry because the staff of the rehab are doing all they can to keep them sepeerated. All day long their minds are either on the staff because they are mad at them for keeping the two addicts apart. Or they are trying to figure out how to sneak around to see each other. Or they are just thinking of each other. The problem here is that this doesn't leave much time to focus on their recovery. I'm an addict that used to married to an addict and beleive me when I tell you that this doesn't work. Because -1+-1=-2, on the days she wanted to use and I didn't I would end up using anyway because she would be using in front of me and vise versa. But my wife today is a non addict. This is negative 1 which is myself plus positive one which is my wife equals zero which is balance for me. (-1+1=0balance)And I firmly believe that having a supportive and loving wife is the reason I'm not dead today. Because now on the days I'm having strong cravings she helps remind me that I'm accountable for my actions and she helps remind me of before when my life was unmanageable and how happy I am now that I'm part of our family again.