I Believe

You know behind every good man is a great woman. My wife, even after all the bullshit I've put her through because of my addiction still sees ME instead of THE ADDICT when she looks at me. She stands with me instead of behind me. She still sees the man I used to be before the drugs and believes in me and my goals. I've been out of work since I got out of rehab. I admit for the first couple of weeks I took it easy and for a couple of weeks after that I looked for jobs around the clock. But after countless dead ends I got depressed and kind of laid off the job search for a while. Keep in mind I've worked the same job since I was about 11 years old. It is a family business that's more than just a little dysfunctional with a Dictator as a father and boss witch I give about 40% credit for my addiction. That's why a couple of months before rehab I went and got certified in a Specific Trade were I could move on with my life and fell like I was actually in control of me and my family. But for two months since I got out of rehab the job search hasn't been to promising until yesterday. I mean it was getting to the point that I was going to have to work for my father again. But while I was waiting for a job interview with a temp agency I took a shot in the dark and stopped by a business and got a interview the following day doing what I'm certified to do. But I found out that I need another certification and I'm going to get hired by this company. My wife has supported me left and right and if it wasn't for her I would have to work for my father to get the money for this extra certification. Keep in mind my wife doesn't have a lot of money and the fact that she's making a investment in me after all the money I've taken from her really amazes me and makes me fell like I'm actually worth having around. But she strongly believes that my family business is the root of all evil just like me. I guess what I'm getting at is that when you have somebody that believes in you the way my wife believes in me it makes me believe more in myself. And if most of you addicts are like me, we start thinking all we can do is fuck up after this disease chews us up and spits us out.

What tha Fuck

Well I fucked up!!! First time since the first of April or since I got out of rehab. But I'm ok, the relapse only lasted one night. Maybe only wasn't the right word to describe that night. I should have said I was sucked into hell again. I've been trying to break down the relapse to find out where I went wrong and my addict brain keeps kicking in and telling me it was spontaneous. But it wasn't I planned that shit out. No, not consciously but in the back of my mind. I let the Gremlin in me tell me "just on more time nobody will never no." I never stopped to think how bad it was going to make me fell. I didn't think ahead and see the disappointment in my wife's eyes. And I didn't think about the look my kids had on their faces when I walked in the door at 11pm when they had gotten use to me being at home every night. I had started relapsing soon as I got out of rehab and I just didn't catch the signs. I had gotten to cocky for one. I thought I had every angle covered but it's evident I didn't. I got that super addict mentality and started thinking for some dumb ass reason that, I know I'm an addict, but I started thinking my addiction was special and the normal rules of recovery didn't apply to me. When I know that the first and cardinal rule of recovery is abstinence. Another reason I relapsed was because I had to much free time. I'm in-between job right now and all I was doing every day was watching TV and sleeping. I think it's very important that we do a relapse autopsy if we relapse because if we don't know what went wrong we can't fix it and keep it from happening in the future. You know a big goal of mine coming out of rehab was to become a member of my family again since I had been isolated from them for so long in active addiction. But from my relapse autopsy I realized that I haven't made an attempt to insert myself back into my family. Being at home watching TV and sleeping in the same house as my family doesn't make me a family member. I realized that I need to start being more involved in my families lives.

Re-Born

I'm a recovering addict. My drugs of choice were Percocets, Cocaine, Crack, and Alchohol. The reason I titled this post "Re-Born" is because once all the drugs were out of my system, it was like a whole new world opened up to me. I started paying attention to my surroundings again. When I was atively using I had tunnel vision. All I saw or heard was my dope dealers. Everybody and everything else was drowned out. It was like nothing else existed. I started feeling all this guilt and humiliation that I have not felt before. I hate to admite it but I've stolen from my wife and kids. I've lied to everybody I had any kind of contact with before I got sober. I guess I'm writing this because I'm scared to face my family and friends. But I've got to make amends with them before I can move forward and hope and pray to God that they forgive me. Normal people have never felt the need an addict has to use. We will go to any length to get a hit, bump, pill, or beer. If any normal person would like to fell that determination try holding your breath until you pass out.... yea now thats determination isn't it. This still don't make the things I've done right. I guess I'm simply asking any parents, kids, wives, or friends of an addict that is reading this please take into consideration how hard it is for us to ask for your forgiveness and the progress we've made in just getting clean and processing our feelings. We are ready to be the person you used to know before the drugs and since we are not using we do feel pain and humiliation. Hopefully you will find it in your hearts to forgive us and be supportive, because if there is one thing we as addicts need is support and love from our loved ones.

Addict + Addict = Relapse

If you really want to get sober or clean you will not start a relationship in rehab or right after you get out of rehab. I mean whats safer one addict's brain trying to stay clean with its triggers or two addict's brains with double the triggers. Then you add in the stress of starting a new relationship. Some may argue that two addicts being together are two sets of eyes looking out for triggers but that's bullshit. It's wo sets of eyes looking for dope. These people sit in rehab getting angry because the staff of the rehab are doing all they can to keep them sepeerated. All day long their minds are either on the staff because they are mad at them for keeping the two addicts apart. Or they are trying to figure out how to sneak around to see each other. Or they are just thinking of each other. The problem here is that this doesn't leave much time to focus on their recovery. I'm an addict that used to married to an addict and beleive me when I tell you that this doesn't work. Because -1+-1=-2, on the days she wanted to use and I didn't I would end up using anyway because she would be using in front of me and vise versa. But my wife today is a non addict. This is negative 1 which is myself plus positive one which is my wife equals zero which is balance for me. (-1+1=0balance)And I firmly believe that having a supportive and loving wife is the reason I'm not dead today. Because now on the days I'm having strong cravings she helps remind me that I'm accountable for my actions and she helps remind me of before when my life was unmanageable and how happy I am now that I'm part of our family again.

Resentment

I've been holding onto a lot of resentment towards my parents for a long time. Now that I'm sober I've started to question if its productive or if its hurting my sobriety. My parents are in their 70's so the chance of them changing their ways are out of the question. I've worked for and with my father for about 22 years on our farm. It's a third generation business and I would love nothing more than for my boys to carry on the family business. But because I can't deal with the stress and hostility between my father and myself I've decided to change careers. This scares the shit out of me because all I've ever done is farm. But I think its the best thing for my family. I've been trying to earn my fathers respect for 22 years and I haven't been able to earn it yet. He's a hard man to please but he does have some good qualities. Looking at his good qualities has helped me realize that nothing good can come from resentment except for more resentment. And that takes too much energy from my recovery, family, and other things I enjoy doing. I'm not going to be one of those people that look back on there life from their death bed and realize that all they have done in life is swim in an ocean of regret their whole life.

The Nightmare

I just got to work and got the men doing what i need them to do for the day. I start having a thought that's way to familiar. I can hear him calling me. Telling me how he's going to help me get more done today. He tells me I'll have more energy. I'll be able to do what ever task are lined up with no pain or frustration.. Then he puts the finishing touches on it telling me how good I'm going to fell, how were gioing to have the best day we've ever had. And I'm on my way to pick-up Jerry (cocaine). But wait my wife calls and needs me to take the kids to school so she will not be late for work. But I can't take them because I've got a piece of equipment broke down (this is bullshit). I've just got to go and get "Jerry". Wow "Jerry" is finally with me it felt like it took hours to get him (but it was only minutes). Were having a good time. But wait, here comes my father to check on things. Let me hide Jerry. He just about caught us. So we go and get some beer from town and ride around all the farms making sure everybody is doing what they are suppose to be doing. Then my wife calls again and needs me to pick up the kids from school. I think it can't be 3:00 I haven't gotten any work done today. I've been drinking I can't pick up the kids. Now she's even madder at me since I haven't been able to take the kids or pick them up from school. So we wait for her to get back from picking up the kids to try and smooth everthing out. I didn't do much smoothing but I promissed her I would be home for Dinner. But now its 4:00 and I still haven't gotten anything done today. I want to kick Jerry out but I can't. He told me everything will be alright that we can work late. So we go and get more beer and jump on the tractor and start discing. We work until 10:00, Jerry is gone, and I go in the house. There is a note on the table were I didn't come in for dinner my wife is asleep and I feel like shit for letting her down all day long. I'm determined to make it up to her the next day. Until Jerry calls me the next morning and all my guilt is gone. And it's Ground Hog Day, over, and over again.

Rehab Zombies

I sit in group day after day listening to these people that don't do anything but repeat and contradict theirselves. They say they don't believe in God but they say the Serenity Prayer and say "Amen" at the end. They share and say their confused and don't know what they believe they are going to do when they get out of rehab. But at the same time their going to use in moderation or stay sober through the summer and start back when they go back to college and just not use as much and or stay away from their drug of choice. All of this is BULLSHIT and none of its a feasible plan for recovery. This is like a diabetic saying they are not going to take their insulin but half as much as what the doctor prescribed and not change their diet. If a diabetic did this they would be right back at their doctor's office or in the hospital. Same goes for addicts. The only plan for an addict is abstinence. And if you can't get that thru your fucking head your going to be right back in rehab or dead. You can never stop working your recovery plan and everybody's recovery plan is not the same but everybody's does include abstinence. But for you Zombies out their keep thinking your special and there will be nothing but jails, institutions, and death for you.

Assholes

Have you ever been in a room with other people and just sat back and listened to them. Will I have and I do it a lot. It amazes me how many negative people there are in this world. These people talk shit about everything that's going on around them. But at the same time they try to act like they have their shit together and like nothing is bothering them and their lives are perfect. They contradict theirselves every time they are complaining about something because thats not having a perfect life.And if you have the smallest conversation with them and then leave the room you better believe that they will talk shit about you. They think they can analyze you from a 2 minute conversation. I kind of fell sorry for these people because everything in their lives is negative. This has to be a miserable life to have to fake happiness and never have a positive thought about anything. This is not the key to happiness. The key to happiness is picking the positive out of every situation regardless of how horrifying the situation might have been. The key is not judging people. This is one of the worst things we can do when we meet new people. Because you could be missing out on a new friendship. Or missing out on experiencing new and exciting things in life.

Confusion

What do you do if your angry because your lonely but you have a wife and kids. But they say they don't come around because your angry and bitter all the time. But my anger turns to them for letting me fell alone. When at first I was angry with my parents, my job, and my addiction. Because of this anger my family started distancing thierselves from me. They don't know when I might explode over something they say so they stop saying anything at all. They don't know what my attitude is like at any given time so they are fearful to approach me with anything at all. They are scared of me and it makes me fell like a piece of shit.

What Are You Talking About

Addicts Addicts Addicts. I'm surrounded by addicts and I'm an addict myself. But these people don't do anything but talk just to hear the sound of their voices. We all go to the same classes, groups, and meetings. All I hear is people complaining about other people. I don't know but I'm willing to bet on the fact that no one is in here because of what somebody else was doing. We're hear because of our own behaviors and actions. All I hear is that if I were in the "Real World" and this happened I would us. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of rehab. This really pisses me off. We all go to the same classes day after day. We all know there is a process to relapsing it doesn't just happen. Drugs don't just fall out of the sky into our hands and mouths. It's a process, we have to think about using, go and actually buy the drug, prepare the drug, then use the drug. Now that's at least 30 minutes and 4 or 5 opportunities to say "stop what am I doing" or to call someone. We always have a choice we don't have to use we just have to change our way of thinking and our behaviors. And when we get out of rehab were going to work our recovery plan and stay clean. So please stop being negative and start sharing positive thoughts. Like saying to yourself "I know how to stay sober, I know what to do if a problem presents itself, and no matter what happens I have a skill I learned in rehab to deal with any situation."

Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again knowing good and well what the outcome is going to be. This describes the old me perfectly. Why do we as addicts go round and round the same vicious cycle expecting the outcome to be different. It's kind of like we don't want order in our lives. Like we crave the chaos and disorder because that's whats normal to us. But normal people want structure and order in their lives. Even though some people would argue that's insane. Our insanity causes our family's to worry about us constantly. Our insanity causes us financial problems. It even makes us do things that we would never do sober. Such as stealing from family and friends. I was so insane I didn't even think it was wrong to go in my wife's pocket book and take money. My insanity told me what's her's is mine and what's mine is her's. The problem with that was I didn't have shit because I had either snorted it up my nose, drank it, or popped it in my mouth. If your reading this and your insane be grateful that there is a way out. You have got to want it, it's not easy, it's an everyday job. You are never recovered from insanity your always going to be recovering, because if you let your guard down it's right back and you'll be insaner than you were before. So good luck and God Bless all you addicts and recovering addicts out there.

From This Day Forth

I'm 34 years old and I've just realized that my sole purpose in life has been to satisfy myself and no one else. I've been lying to everybody around me by trying to make them believe I'm something I'm not. I've talked about doing this and doing that and I haven't done shit with my life. I'm embarrassed because your priorities in life are shown through your actions and not by the words that come out of your mouth or in my case lies out of my mouth. I've let my wife take responsibility for our family for long enough. It's time for me to step up and be a man. It's time to give up the alcohol and drugs. So on this day I vow to take control of my life and family. It's time for me to be the head of my house and not my wife. I'm so ashamed of my past actions but I can't dwell on the past. I have got to keep moVing forward and be the man I know I can be. Not only for me and my dignity but for my family aswell. Because I don't want them living in fear anymore of when I might disappear again.