I Believe

You know behind every good man is a great woman. My wife, even after all the bullshit I've put her through because of my addiction still sees ME instead of THE ADDICT when she looks at me. She stands with me instead of behind me. She still sees the man I used to be before the drugs and believes in me and my goals. I've been out of work since I got out of rehab. I admit for the first couple of weeks I took it easy and for a couple of weeks after that I looked for jobs around the clock. But after countless dead ends I got depressed and kind of laid off the job search for a while. Keep in mind I've worked the same job since I was about 11 years old. It is a family business that's more than just a little dysfunctional with a Dictator as a father and boss witch I give about 40% credit for my addiction. That's why a couple of months before rehab I went and got certified in a Specific Trade were I could move on with my life and fell like I was actually in control of me and my family. But for two months since I got out of rehab the job search hasn't been to promising until yesterday. I mean it was getting to the point that I was going to have to work for my father again. But while I was waiting for a job interview with a temp agency I took a shot in the dark and stopped by a business and got a interview the following day doing what I'm certified to do. But I found out that I need another certification and I'm going to get hired by this company. My wife has supported me left and right and if it wasn't for her I would have to work for my father to get the money for this extra certification. Keep in mind my wife doesn't have a lot of money and the fact that she's making a investment in me after all the money I've taken from her really amazes me and makes me fell like I'm actually worth having around. But she strongly believes that my family business is the root of all evil just like me. I guess what I'm getting at is that when you have somebody that believes in you the way my wife believes in me it makes me believe more in myself. And if most of you addicts are like me, we start thinking all we can do is fuck up after this disease chews us up and spits us out.

What tha Fuck

Well I fucked up!!! First time since the first of April or since I got out of rehab. But I'm ok, the relapse only lasted one night. Maybe only wasn't the right word to describe that night. I should have said I was sucked into hell again. I've been trying to break down the relapse to find out where I went wrong and my addict brain keeps kicking in and telling me it was spontaneous. But it wasn't I planned that shit out. No, not consciously but in the back of my mind. I let the Gremlin in me tell me "just on more time nobody will never no." I never stopped to think how bad it was going to make me fell. I didn't think ahead and see the disappointment in my wife's eyes. And I didn't think about the look my kids had on their faces when I walked in the door at 11pm when they had gotten use to me being at home every night. I had started relapsing soon as I got out of rehab and I just didn't catch the signs. I had gotten to cocky for one. I thought I had every angle covered but it's evident I didn't. I got that super addict mentality and started thinking for some dumb ass reason that, I know I'm an addict, but I started thinking my addiction was special and the normal rules of recovery didn't apply to me. When I know that the first and cardinal rule of recovery is abstinence. Another reason I relapsed was because I had to much free time. I'm in-between job right now and all I was doing every day was watching TV and sleeping. I think it's very important that we do a relapse autopsy if we relapse because if we don't know what went wrong we can't fix it and keep it from happening in the future. You know a big goal of mine coming out of rehab was to become a member of my family again since I had been isolated from them for so long in active addiction. But from my relapse autopsy I realized that I haven't made an attempt to insert myself back into my family. Being at home watching TV and sleeping in the same house as my family doesn't make me a family member. I realized that I need to start being more involved in my families lives.